A gust of wind blew a breath of red and gold leaves across the pavement and into the gutter. The leaves crunched loud under the wheel of a black cadillac as it pulled up along the curb. A woman in a finely tailored suit wearing black sun glasses climbed out of the car. A gold watch clung to her wrist. The woman looked around, frowning at a man that sat at a table in a cafe reading a worn T.V. guide magazine.

"Should've known you'd have found me eventually, Lucifer," God said. He didn't look up from his T.V. guide. God wore a faded Ninja Turtle bathrobe over a 'World's Best Dad' shirt. On His feet were a pair of lime green crocs, which he had propped on the table before him.

"You've spent three years in this cafe reading that magazine," Lucifer said. Her voice sounded smoky and dripped with command. "It isn't hard to search all of creation when the only part you pay attention to is this miserable blue rock."

"I guess it's just as well. I was getting kind of bored," God said. He tossed the magazine over His shoulder. It vanished before it hit the ground. "Why are you bothering me today, Luci?"

"I want a rematch."

God stuck a finger into His nose and began to root around. After a few moments, He withdrew his finger. A long, yellow booger clung to its end. God rolled the booger into a ball and flicked it at Lucifer. It landed and stuck to angel's collar.

"Do you now?" God said. "Are you going to pull the same shit you tried with Job?"

The booger smoldered. Thin tendrils of smoke drifted from it as its outside shriveled and blackened. Suddenly the booger burst into flame and disapeared in a puff of white ash. Lucifer casually brushed the ash away.

"I'm trying pleasure this time," she said. "I wager most pious souls worship you because they don't know the joy of sinning."

"You might be on to something."

"When I win, I want you to stop this waste of time. There are problems that need your attention. Your people have suffered enough, God."

God sighed as if this weren't the first time they'd had this discussion. "And what do I get if I win?"

"I won't bother you again for a century. I'll let you go back to," Lucifer waved her hand in disgust, "whatever this is."

"Done," God said. He spat into His palm and held out His hand.

Lucifer looked at it expressionless. She reached to her side and pulled out a manilla folder, plopping it in front of God. "My staff has already done the groundwork. All we need is your approval for the final steps."

God opened the folder and began to read. Suddenly, He stopped, raising a single eyebrow. "Beige?" He asked.

Lucifer shrugged. "New intern. She isn't working out."

God nodded and scratched His divine testicles. "She's acceptable." He handed the folder back to Lucifer.

One more thing," she said. "I want to change her. She's proportioned like a stick with a libido to match."

God snorted. "That alone could make this whole thing worth it," He said. He waved her away. "Now get of here. I've got important business to take care of." The T.V. guide appeared in His hands.

Lucifer bowed and slipped away, walking with undisguised eagerness to her car.

God sat in His chair for a long time, staring at the traffic passing on the street. Suddenly He threw the magazine across the cafe and got to His feet, exhaling in frustration. In a puff of smoke, He vanished.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles